Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
