apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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