i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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