I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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