I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
