sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
