Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
