You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize