It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
