I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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