If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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