Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
