I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
