we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
