I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize