Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
