AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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