Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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