herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
