I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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