I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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