You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
