I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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