i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
