so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
