i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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