My sheets look like a crime scene.
i already hear my dad disowning me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
