Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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