I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
