my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore