You just made me feel so damn special
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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