tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
