Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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