The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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