saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
