I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
