saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
