My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
