I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
