god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
