he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
