All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
