grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
