put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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