ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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