I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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