she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
