i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
