There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
