Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
