it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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