eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
