im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
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I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
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Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.