I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.