I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar