im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Congratulations! We have a period
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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