Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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