Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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