I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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